PhDiary #11: “My brain had melted” – My Viva Experience

Arriving early

My exam was set for 2pm which presented a good opportunity to go out for lunch beforehand. Spending time with people helped keep my mind from overthinking. But, as time ticked away, I felt my body grow increasingly tense. I got to the room early, mainly because I didn’t know what to do with myself rather than any desire to be keen. As I waited, I had a quick flip through my annotated thesis one more time.

Unexpected questions

When the examiners arrived, I was asked to stand outside while they set up. It was all very friendly and my nerves began to settle, until the questions started.

My viva was two hours of high-level philosophical questions, defining terms such as ‘environment’, ‘space’ and ‘value’. Not once did I get the chance to open my thesis and talk about my actual research. While we had some good discussions, I felt a little robbed. Effectively, what happened was that I submitted good work but the contextualisation was a little off. While I knew my stuff, it needed to be communicated better in the thesis and so that was the focus of the viva, rather than my actual scholarly contributions.

The result

By the end of the two hours, my brain had melted. I was too tired to be nervous when they asked me to leave the room while they deliberated. I just wanted it to be over.

They called me back in, I sat down and they told me my result. Pass, with major corrections. “While we think you could do the rewrites in three months, we want to make sure you have plenty of time, so we’re giving you six”. It was a positive result, but my mind was focused on the major corrections. I didn’t want this.

The aftermath

I was disappointed. Every time people asked me how I did and congratulated me, I smiled through gritted teeth. I didn’t feel like I’d accomplished anything.

It took a long time for me to come around. In the following months, I felt like I needed to overhaul my whole life. I found a new job, I started buying a house, I threw so much of my old stuff out. I felt like my life had been on hold for so long that I needed to catch up to something.

With hindsight, I know I did well. My research was fine, I just needed to rewrite my introduction and conclusion. I’d also completed the degree in three and a half years while working two days a week. It was a major achievement, but it took a long time to feel that way.

The viva is a funny thing. Some people will enjoy it and feel an immense relief after. Others might hate the whole experience and struggle to recover from the years of burnout and stress the PhD can inflict. I was somewhere in the middle. Four months later, I still don’t think I’ve fully recovered from the whole ordeal. But I’m at least proud of what I’ve done. With my corrections submitted within four months, the end is officially in sight once more.